...what bothers me the most about the prospect of not teaching is that I feel like it wouldn't really be my decision, in that the retardedness of other people is going to keep me from doing what I am passionate about. Yet another thing that I feel completely out of control over. My own career. Ridiculous.
I know I have control issues, but not in a "bad" way...in that I feel like I'm either a doormat or a ()itch. I'm a doormat until I finally have had enough, or the odd, strange time when I actually stick up for myself right away, and then it's ALWAYS (yes, a big word, but really, it's quite true) perceived that I'm being ()itchy, self-serving, controlling, etc., etc., etc....I feel like giving up.
13 comments:
I've had this struggle my entire life, Kels. I've had to work really hard at not being too ()itchy
(ha ha itchy) but not letting people walk all over me. It's a very fine line.
I don't even know if there is a line. Maybe it's only one OR the other?
Standing up for yourself is not being bitchy! If people perceive it that way then they have the problem, not you.
Kelsie, almost everybody who isn't totally sociopathic or self-centered feels this way, so don't feel like a freak just because you're better able to articulate and acknowledge this struggle than most are. Many of us, myself included, often get that "I give up!" feeling.
Then you go to bed, wake up with a little more go-power, and go after what you want and need all over again.
What's happening with this job possibility at Aaron's school?
The posting just closed on Friday, so I'm hoping to hear soon. If I don't even get an interview for this one, I'm scared as to what that means....
I agree with you, Amber...it's just that it's hard when you're in a situation where you're the ONLY one withOUT the problem...
Ok, no more whining allowed from me...
I'm (as always it seems) a little late in the discussion, but thought I'd give you some words.
Don't be to afraid of not getting that interview...if you have to do something other than teaching for bit, then use it as an opportunity to get a handle on your career, the career you want! Jim is right, we all go through this at some point and it's not fun...don't give up!
I left a fulltime job 10 years ago to pursue a career in film. It took me six years of bouncing around, from one gig to another before I was able to make a living from my passion. For two years I got up everyday and went to work making films, but it all changed when an investor pulled out of a project...so I went back to doing my "day job" again. Got on another project that had the potential to get me back to film fulltime, then stuff with my family went to crap...and here I am in Indiana...going crazy and not doing film! I am working-on-working, and will get back to film fulltime...hopefully sooner than later, but I'm not giving up!
If you have to get a "day job" for a bit, try to find something that feeds your soul...and while you do that gig, work on getting back to teaching, on your terms. Don't give up!
Oh and it's almost always perceived as being controlling when you fight for what you want...mostly because people tend to settle for a job, instead of pursuing the career they really want...they only wish they could do what you're doing! (That's just my opinion based on my experience.)
John_P
I totally second the rest and at 37 am still trying to find the happy medium between doormat and bitch. And I loved what John said about other people calling us (or thinking us) bitching or controlling as a way of manipulating us. I'm too old anymore to keep making the peace. Not everyone is going to like me or be happy with me, and I'm getting a lot more okay with that.
There's another line between reality and our idealism and finding where we fit there, too, can be a life-long struggle. Just know that you're not alone. Many, many, many of us have been there, too, and lived to tell about it. {{hugs}}
oh, and p.s. I don't know what Jim is talking about with his "wake up with a little more go power" sentence. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't drag myself out of bed. I envy the "go power" kind of people. Have fun. Do what makes you happy. Try to keep believing but be easy on yourself when you don't.
Watch lots of comedy and try to take deep breaths and ask yourself what you *really* want. Then go for it!
Well, Angela has a point, and I'd probably feel wiped out every day if I had a spouse and kids to deal with. But I don't because I know I can't handle that.
So first figure out how to handle what you're already taking before you take on anything more to handle.
Any news, Kelsie?
No interview for me...
Any reason given?
I'm afraid to ask. If it's some of the reasons floating around in my head, I don't think I will be able to handle it.
Oh, dear. I wish I was smart enough to know the right thing to say. Other than I love you.
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